I went to view an apartment today, and I fell in love with it. Now, my possible roommate Lex didn't show up. She's also been really complainy about size, and has ferrets. I have no problem with pets, but I do have problems with smelly ones that require me to babyproof my apartment.

So I applied for it, I hope I get it. And I might have found another roommate. My friend Tara is really interested in moving, she'll be paying EXACTLY what she's paying in her current place. I know her better, this seems like a sounder investment.

Also she'd be most likely free to move at the same time as me. Makes lifes worlds of easier. Now there's both an up and downside to putting the lease solely in my name, but I need it, I need the responsibility, or I'm just going to keep lazing like I am here.

Also paying this much, and being on my own, will give me enough to slowly start pecking back at my 2 bills. I can sign up for my rogers services and my rogers discount. AND I can pick up extra hours, by the beginning of february.

Tuesdays are going to be alotted to be my ME day. Normally that's sundays, but I can sign up for vocals, piano, belly dancing, hoop dancing, circus stuff and I also applyed to model at TKS just for fun.

Also still helping out the burlesque scene. I'm walking distance from work if I get this place. So if for some reason I can't afford a metro pass, I can walk to work.

But still walking distance from three 24 hour street car lines? Kick ass!

KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED FOR ME! <3

So I had a pretty fantastical day. I spent it with 4 of my favourite people in spurts. I hung out with Jaws and Jenn during the day. We went on an adventure, I forgot to buy a scarf. I got comics. I got DC #854-859 so I'm all caught up on Batwoman specifically. I still need to get Crime Bible, Identity Crisis, Countdown to Final Crisis, Final Crisis, Final Crisis Aftermath (all 4 story arcs), and 52.

I also need to get Trick R Treat. Dr. Horrible. Phonogram THe Singles Club 2-7. And a bunch of others.

Talk of AN cosplays was decided today. And really I'm still stressing about school aps.

Next pay day = Bus passes. Cell Phone bill. Xmas gift for Abi/Brittany/Jenn/Dad/Phoenix/Mum&Co. Also ingredients for a gingerbread K-9 to be attempted at Tessa's house. Oh, also if I don't get any Who for xmas, I'm going to pick up for myself seasons 1-4, and Torchwood all of it, and the specials cause it's all on sale. Yay xmas monies. Oh and applications for school need to be paid for. And Elementary Rudiments of Music (and the answer book) are on hold.

I need to talk to this Alexis girl once more about when we're getting an apartment. And hopefully get into that ASAP. Once I'm moved, I'm going to MAYBE pick up more hours. We'll see. I'm in a band now. Practice 1-2 times a week. I'm also working on my comic. And need to start prepping for audition.

In that regards what I think I'll do when I move is dedicate a day to my arting/performing. I want to take say tuesday and take a Circus class at Toronto School for Circus arts or Centre of Gravity/Zero Gravity circus or take a hoop class at Hoop Toronto or Positive spin hoops. This is good cause this is the same day that most poi events and NMCA jams occur. I also want to take a dance class on this day. Just a simple jazz and ballet class to prep for the audition. And 2-3 music lessons a day. Drill in my theory, get back into piano and guitar playing, and keep my vocal training strong. If I do that on one of my 3 days off? We're good.

On another note things that need to be sorted out before I move? Building a new computer so my dad can have this one. I might just have him buy this one (sans monitor) off me, and then I can take that money and my xmas cash and give it to Ash to build me one. Cause I need my own again, and my dad will need one when I move. Thankfully the printer and router are coming with me.

Eventually? I also need you know...a television of sorts and a DVD player. I might just suck it up and buy myself a PS3 when funds aren't ridiculous (and by funds aren't ridiculous I mean when I've paid back the one friend I owe money and the bills that I owe).

I'm hoping that I got a decent amount of furnishings/housewares for xmas. As well as a decent amount of nerdy indulgences. A good balance would be nice. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm starting to not, pack up my things, but organize them on their own so they are seperate from my dads things. Also for any big things and new things? They are going to remain closed until I move into my new space.

I'm just rambling, but I figure if I don't get this shit written down somewhere...nothing will be done. lolololol

Sucking it up and applying to school. I understand why I'm so nervous yet at the same time I don't think I should be.

Right now is just the application phase. I have my Ontario Colleges choices filled out and sitting waiting to be paid for, as well as my transcripts on request.

I also have to request a hard copy of my transcripts so I can forward them off to both the American school...and the one out west.

Musical Theatre. :) I'm super duper stoked. So here is where having a credit card would help me to be able to pay to apply.

On top of those fees? I have to pay for each audition on top of this. I'm going to call each institution after I send off my application, find out if there is anything else I need to include. I also have to fill out the application forms for the other ones.

Sheridan. St. Lawrence. St. Clair. George Brown. AMDA. CCPA. (And a prince...or whatever...never!)

I have to pick 2 pieces to sing. I have many in mind, but haven't made my decision yet. Contact Scobie, Schatz and Oakes to see if I can have them each help me work on my pieces.

Most of hte auditions seem to be taking place in March. >.< That's really soon. At least for me it is. I feel the need to prepare for this more than I need to I think.

I need to pick a monologue...that hasn't even been thought on yet. Oh and work on dance. I'm going to be taking some sort of simple dance class once a week.

Oh and work on theory. I think that and the out of practice aspect is what's making me regret not applying to this right after school originally.

BUT I'm also stressing. After this I have to figure out finances, financial aid (especiallky if i get into one thats not in Ontario and I can't go the OSAP route).

If I move into Downtown T.O and get into school...well anywhere other than Sheridan or George Brown, I'm going to have to move again. I don't want to invest into too much living wise and have to drop it all.

Also I might have to leave my job in Sept. I want to definitely get in a show over the summer if I can considering I'm not part of that social retardism dramatic shadowcast. I love most of the people in it, but I find social politics in fan based things...well I've been handling it since I got into the convention circuit back in '03. Hahah that's a whole other topic.

I NEED TO STOP SPENDING MONEY OTHER THAN SAVINGS/BILLS/SCHOOL STUFF.

What does it mean when you're aware of your self indulgent selfish behaviours and keep following them? My friend took me on a guided mediation and I've been trying to figure out why in my own thoughts and psyche and inner mind im seeing a satyr guiding something.

A friend of mine has been helping me find my totems. And I still dont' know what the satyr means.

I'm going to do a reading. Do dee doo. I'm goign to pull one card. Figure out what this guy means.

I drop 7 cards. 7. Is exactly how many I use for a reading I do. In regards to problems. And how to overcome them. Huh.

1...2...3...4...5..6..7. ALL MAJOR ARCANA. But I used the whole deck.

HUGE Life event? Life altering. As I say to Fray...how the fuck is the SATYR going to define the rest of my life?

I don't like a satyr being linked to my destiny.

I've been avoiding having a full reading for a while. I've just been paranoid. In effort pull one card mine are trying to tell me something.

1) Overall: Death.
2) Past: Emperor
3) Present: Tower.
4) Negative: Star
5) Change: High Priest
6) Positive: Lovers
7) Outcome: Moon

Positive. If I'm ready for a big change. I think they're teling me it's not time to be ready, it's time to do. Instead of shouting action. I need to take some.

I think the Satyr is a negative spirit. It needs to be gone gone gone gone gone.

Wimpy bar misfit. I don't wanna be like Billy the Kid left hangin' from a tree.

I needed this. Today. With the people and the things and by people I mean one person but it's weird how bit by bit little things and people...true genuine people. Can put things into perspective. I'm still on this whole needing a new place to live thing, but I don't feel the need to run away anymore.

I'm also done chasing. Some of you are far away yes, and I love you and I will forever love you all. But I'm not chasing for your attention and affection anymore. Either we're close friends or we're acquaintances. I just don't wanna jump through hoops like some sort of show dog.

I'm extroverted but I'm not a dumbass. Also, does anyone know what a social hermit is? Cause I really think that describes me. I'm cool with just chilling somewhere with someone doing independent type things. Like today for instance? Helping a friend with laundry. Cooking. Chilling. Talking.

I also had someone else do a reading for me. It was fairly accurate, it pointed out where i'd like to be in several spots and whats stopping me from achieving my "emerald city" as it was put.

Again its fucking AWESOME to have friends in Toronto now. I like new friendships and I see good things coming of this. Funniest thing I've heard in a while "Since we all know the same people and interests we may as well just BE best friends now".

Makes me lol hardcore. Also even when I feel like I'm imposing, I didn't feel too insecure or bothersome today.

Really needed. Some of you know EXACTLY what I mean. But I think there are definitely some past ghosts that I need to talk to and stop pining on.

Look out the door and tell me what do you see, I do believe that through the trees there's something hiding from me.

Okay. So I'm officially happier than I've been in a long time. I'm finally doing something in Toronto and meeting people. It's been so long since I've been in a room full of such extroverted geeks, theatre lovers and ...NOT PRUDES. I'm officially part of The Shadowcats! which is the Toronto Repo! shadowcast group. I've been going to almost all their shows and I just love it. Everyone there is super awesome and I get to do my favourite thing which is prance around on a stage like an idiot. Heart.

I'm not too keen on looking forward to this fucking flu shot that I'm getting on monday, but Tai got his and is still breathing so I mean it won't hurt me...too much I hope. I'm quietly...(lies) and impatiently waiting to go to Brantford for dinosaur movie marathon night!

I'm also talking with some new friends about when I move about having movie theme parties! Theme parties are awesome. I'm such a nerd. NERD. <3

I've also felt the overwhelming need to completely geek out today, and on top of that I'm finding I forget the order of what I'm supposed to do for the shadowcast performance.

Oh! If anyone knows where to get those white pleather nurse shoes PLEASE let me know.

<3

I don't think I can even begin to express how satisfying my week was. Especially after the news of not getting the apartment. Unfortunately now I'm back in the real world. With work, and bills and apartment hunting. And the reality that some of my favourite people in the whole wide world live hours away from me.

Last minute a friend helped me out to come visit for the sole reason that they wanted me around. And I went and Stayed with Tai and Ben for almost an entire week. Hell it wasn't long enough.

Halloween. My favourite night of the yeaar, was spent with some of my favourite people. I wish I could have everyone who means a lot to me in one place at the same time. Maybe that'll happen for doctordonnafriend day next year. ;) Arrived in Sudbury at 6am and ended up spending 3 hours or so laying on a kitchen floor compliing a pretty awesome halloween set list for tai's radio show Hot Like Wasabi.

Lots of gaming. Not as many movies watched as I'd have liked. oh well. Time flies. We also never got around to watching Children of the Earth. That does need to happen!

WAIT UNTIL I VISIT BEFORE YOU WAQTCH WATERS OF MARS!!!! It comes out soon but I wanna watch it with you two.

I got to meet a lot of interesting people this week. I met my dreamy lady's new man friend Jay. I semi kind of met Leeann and Stacey although neither of them spoke with me. I met another Doctor. I actually discovered 2 doctors this weekend on top of the one working coat check. He was my favourite. ;) Lawl. I got to meet Jesse finally. I approve of his immense level of obnoxious.

And I finally got to meet Shay in person. Which was really really nice. I also met Roger and Starr who went with Ben and I to see the new fame. It was surprisingly entertaining. I love Megan Mullally. I'll watch just about anything with her in it. So it was a pleasant surprise.

I also got to officially meet Jay this time. And Julie (sp?). Awesome voice. Fun rockbanding. And the other Jay and David. The neighbours, very opinionated very fun. And Chris. Man that kid was super drunk but a sweetie. And also Billy and Kev and a few others at the bar like Miriam and some others whos names elude me.

Speaking of the bar? New karaoke host  sucks sooo bad. I can't wait until they get Jay to run it again.

Fuck so I forgot my cell phone charger at home while I was up there and then Tai's internet cable and phone services all died. Oh also, its interesting how lazy lions can be. Seriously we are soooo lazy. And like to keep cozy. I am making NO sense. I don't even know what I've said and what I haven't.

But also seeing Tai and Ben made me realize how much I miss emma.

And I'm wayy too distracted to type now.

So this is like a rss feed. But for blogs. Seriously. I spend way too much time reading blogs. <3

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Follow me and my boredom.

COLUMBIA. I can't wait to dress up as Columbia. So I go into work, and my halloween vacation day has been approved. You'd think I'd be happier, but I'm more so in need to get this Saturday off. Zombie walk and Fall Campus day for the Sexual Diversity Studies course at U of T.

I really want to go to school. I really need my own place. Speaking of which I'm going to see a gorgeous abhorredly expensive bachelor apartment Wednesday afternoon.

I have tomorrow off. No plans. Weds work. Thurs maybe work. I had a vacation day. I cancelled it. Fri = No work. I'm having visitors from Brantford. I'm pretty stoked. Saturday is what I really need off the most. Sunday no work. I need a second job. I think I might go and drop off a resume at Sunrise. Maybe after I pick up my extra records.

It's beyond me....HELP me mommy. I need to stop putting song lyrics in randomly. I'm sorry this song is fucking awesome. Tonight is time to catch up on both Sunday and Monday tv shows. YAY. At least there's no need for sleep, I have no where I need to be tomorrow. I still haven't slept off gotten over this cold. I've been spreading it around it seems. Oh wells.

Good news? I fixed shit with André it seems. I logged on and saw that he was in a relationship. A tidbit of information that facebook felt necessary to push down my throat...over and over. I still don't know how to feel, it kinda sucks to know that I never really had a chance. I know that sounds selfish, but it's one of those...wondering things. Considering a lot of personal reasons and details that I'm not getting into. Ones that we both know, things we talked about. Over. and over. A situation that was talked about enough that the conversation is one of the reasons the idea was put to death. But yet I'm just as happy that he's back. That we're friends. That we can talk. YAY.

Also I've never found myself waiting so impatiently for a TV show. Is it wednesday? Is Glee on yet? I have so much stuff I want to do. Have you ever said something to someone over and over and they seem to just ignore you no matter what? I've been getting that all night via msn. My friend has asked me the same thing...12 times now. DONT BE SO FUCKING STUBBORN.

LOL and now something distracted me. *flees*

So i've been sick all week. It's just getting worse. I had to call in to work on Thurs and Today and cancel my overtime on Weds. It's not good. I really hope I get better in time for my shift monday afternoon. Cause this is getting horrible.

I can't say going out Weds night or Yesterday during the day in the cold were good ideas. But it did lead to crazy adventures. Tai (sousuke ) came down with some other friends from Sudbury and we went on adventures. It's too bad neither of us had an actual camera. There is no way to describe the ridiculous things that we say, do and see on our adventures. I quite enjoyed myself. We went to The Barn/Stables on Weds night it was good. I got more dancing with the boys than some of the boys in that bar did. It was...odd. But fun. Good music. A little too drunk. Woke up with no voice. Yeah. \

There were cupcakes and delicious poutine. Seriously I need to stop eating just carbs. But I love them so. Then yesterday I went with Abisnail to go buy my halloween costume. $8. I'm going as Columbia in her pajamas from RHPS. It's going to be awesome. It's too bad that just this morning I realize I could possibly pull off a female ziggy stardust/aladdin sane. Oh well maybe next year. Afterwards we went out for mexican food. I don't know how Abi can convince me to take her there. We all shared deep fried icecream. Delicious. But still too cold. Uber sensitive teeth.

Wandering commences again! Ended up back at BMV and Hairy T's. If we hit BMV last I'm sure we would have spent more time doing other stuff, but I picked up some more ad books. 1900-1919, 60's and 80's. I'm missing 40's and 50's. Once I get those, I'll own the complete set.

Picked up some wicked board games from Hairy T's. And Tai got a dice bag to hold his dice bags. No joke. I picked up the PBF almanac. Soo excited. Love those comics. I need a ridiculously permanently funny comic tatted on me somewhere.

Speaking of tats? Other than my circus sleeve that I will believe will happen once Dar gets off her lazy butt and starts it. I'm debating between other tattoos. I still want my massive menagerie of song lyrics that all combine to tell an awesome new story. My "Music is what feelings sound like" tattoo with 50's mic and sheet music in a rainbow gradient to the tune of "Space oddity *clap clap*". And my lion pin up girl. And my biomechanical steampunk marionette limb that i'm having rosie design.  But then I'm at a loss. I either want a complete Doctor Who Sleeve on my right arm. or a nerd sleeve. a compilation of things I love. (RHPS, Bowie, nerd nerd nerd nerd nerd) in the shape of a board game. And then on my feet I'm going for (depending on my sleeve) a Dalek vs a Cyberman. Or something like a cute dino and a cute octopus. battling it out. I just want awesoem cuteness on my feet. I love tattoos. 

I also love halloween. I'm so happy i sorted out my costume. ANd I dl'ed a compilation of 80 halloween themed songs. Not enough, and I can think of plenty more. It makes me want to host a halloween karaoke night.

And I got distracted by msn...so i'm vanishing now

Ladies. I do not understand ladies. I obviously still like ladies. But in that weird awkward attractive sense. I don't find conventional beauty attractive. Not that these girls weren't conventionally beautiful but 3 of the 5 girls who were out with me last night? *drool* They remind me of me though. Scary protective. But I don't think I'm as put offish as the one of them was. I went out to Beaver and The Gladstone with the girl who gave me her number at The Barn. She's new to town, and we're still both trying to make friends in the GTA. It was fun, but it got kinda...awkward as the night went on. It was dancing drinking and karaoking. And I felt like I was imposing on a group of people I didn't know by being there. Like I was still off on the sidelines. Also...me and my horrible sense of direction.

NO ONE BELIEVES ME. I was at the gladstone...and walked past dufferin. For like 6 blocks on a time constraint. If you know the area you know that's ridiculous cause it's right there. Or you know...someone could have been nice enough to tell me the 24 hour Dufferin bus does pick up at the corner of Gladstone and Queen. ...where we all were.

I wake up. At 10 this morning. Guess what time my shift starts at. *ding ding ding* 10am. Wow. Fuck my life big time. I am super paranoid but I -had- to call in. I wouldn't have gotten there until noon, that would have fucked up my adherance and I'd definitely get a performance letter. I need to start aiming to be at work an hour early again. Cause I can always wander around the downtown core.

I'm pretty happy though, it seems Fray might actually follow through and move to T.O. Which will be good for her I think. Also roommates make life so much cheaper. SO MUCH. I found lots of pretty places, I really hope my dad is okay with waiting until February to move. I'll change my shift preferences at work so I'm back up to a minimum of 25 hours a week, and then offering to pick up extra shifts here and there until I've been there long enough (and not missed enough shifts) that F/T hours is an option. If not I can always just go hit up Rage Store and Heartbeat and sell stuffs. I like the ladies that work at both those places they're pretty sweet.

So we have this thing where I won't have a car, which normally doens't matter but it means visiting people from outside of T.O will be a tad difficult and on the pricey side. But I can always offer to go wiht my mum after work one day watch my sisters borrow her car, etc. And also I can go and visit Sudz on occassion and if Fray is living with me that's more incentive to go cause I won't be the only one leaving I guess. Haha or I can borrow a car and drive up there.

Living in town means I can get my shit in order. It means I dont' have to rush home after a night out and panic about missing the subway. It means my bus pass will be half as much. It means I'll start biking and blading more in the nice months. It means I CAN GET MY VESPA! It means I can go back to school in the fall if everything falls into place nicely enough. 

I'm pushing hard to get the 24th off for 2 reasons. Zombie walk and its the day at U of T that the SDS students talk to prospective students and I can talk to the program co-ordinators about if I have the proper admission requirements to get in. It's something I'm truly interested in. 

February essentially gives me time to save up, to build a computer, to get some furnishings and to try and help out my dad around the house while working overtime so this move isn't so rushed. I'm really going to push for february first and hope for the best.

Arg I'm soooo frustrated taht I missed today, it not only effects what my boss thinks when I don't come in, but it affects my hours I work in a week (which in turn effects whether or not im eligible for bonus). And those bonuses are nice. AND it shows on my pay. Badly. Thankfully I was approved for a little bit of online overtime both Tues and Weds morning. If my dad doesn't need to work overtime I might pick up a tues night shift as well. Even though working ALL day doesn't quite tickle my fancy it might work.

We'll see. Arg I'm soo....I feel so rushed and that I'm fucking up by not being in today, but I couldn't go. Im so mad. Going out last night was NOT worth this. I don't know how I slept through my alarm...or if it even went off frankly. I need to get one of those clocky robot alarms with the wheels. That rolls off your shelf and all aroudn the floor when it goes off in the morning. So that you have to chase it. Mind you I might break it.

ANd now i'm hungry.

Got my flash on it's true, need that picture of you it's so magical, we'd be so fantastical. I just got back from a night out with Rog and Alex. My feet don't hurt as badly. It's pretty good when I'm distracted whether if it's by good music or one of the ONLY cute -gay- girls at the bar. We totally hit up the Barn which is a guys club but it was good. I just was shocked that at the end of the night a girl asked for my "facebook/number" lol. I was soo intimidated. I never know how to react to those situations. But it was good. She was pretty casual and super cute. :) I added her online, we'll see how that goes.

Music was good. We were also the FIRST people there at the bar the entire night. AND ROGER WENT TO SCHOOL WITH THE BARTENDER HOW COOL IS THAT?! He was a cutie pie too. We kept going downstairs to have him serve us...well them I only had one. (poor and the DD). We mosey on upstairs, REALLY good music. Lots of random cute gay men. One of them tells me he loves me and asks me if I believe in love at first sight.

And people don't believe me when I say all the boys who hit on me are gay or taken. HAHAH. He was a cutie. We leave Rog alone in a sea of boys to find the washroom. He enjoyed that. Oh also? Washrooms at gay bars? Co-ed. Interesting. Makes sense not to have a LADIES washroom..would seem kinda...redundant. Oh also? Ironic things? A drag queen performing to "If I were a boy" by Beyonce. I had to contain my lol's just a bit.

Back downstairs. Watch the Drag Queens perform. A girl approaches me. Not the one who hit on me. That happened later. She says it's nice seeing me again and ask how the rest of my Nuit Blanche went. Okay...so she's familiar. Met her Saturday but i cna't think of where during Nuit Blanche. We talk more. Clicks in. End of the nght. Union Station, some guy introduced us. We chatted for a bit. Later on girl who hits on me? Her roommate. It was all in all a good night.

Got too packed to go back upstairs they were over capacity and the 3rd floor is weird. So we watched abit more drag. I get hit on. Alex and Rog watch from afar and watch the fabulous on stage and we walk back to the car.

Take goofy drunken photos. I await them to be uploaded. And i'm satisfied. All in all a GOOD night. <3 What sucks is having a nice new toy...but having a nice new monthly friend to stop me from using it. -.-.

I just want to express how much I hate liars.

It's -such- a waste of energy and it's so negative and puts out a bad colour on your character. If you don't want to do something, just say so. Don't blatantly lie about it, then go and do it with other people. Honestly. It's just icky.

On another note, I like people who make the effort. I had plans to see Adam tonight/tomorrow. Whatever. But he's feeling under the weather and he made the effort to contact me, not wait until I called tomorrow/tonight and was like 'oh sorry...maybe later'. That'd seem flakier. I hate when people flake. Or when they flake and don't tell me about it. I'm always cool for good reasoning.

Good things? When gypsies randomly appear in town and you get to have dinner with them and go gaybaring. I loves my Rogeykins. I get to go to the 20-something.ca launch party tonight. FREE CUPCAKES AND ENTERTAINMENT. HELLZ YES. And then afterwards gaybarring.

Might be gallavanting about queen w antique shop area getting a feel of things I need for apartment hunting. Also bringing my patches and jacket to Heartbeat @ 960 Queen st W. ANd my coupon for Come as you Are. And having Petra help me sew stuff onto my jacket and maybe picking up on that 2 for 1 vibe deal ;) Thanks for the coupon Abisnail! <3

I'm feeling fairly good about myself. I'm loving my new hair. I have an appointment to view an apartment tomorrow/today at 2pm. <3 I'm super excited. I can't afford it right away but hopefully I can convince the guy to move it to Nov 15 or until maybe if I'm lucky Dec 15. That'd be awesome. Gives me enough time to set it up and possibly plan a little new years shindig. Or at least I'll be downtown.

Then once I'm all settled in I'll have a wonderfully crazy gypsy circus house warming party. Getting the place will be doubtful. That's why i'm also hoping to hear about the 2 roommate situation. Not knowing what's going on is really stressing on me and my dad equally as much. ARG.

And lastly. I just can't wait to have a new empty space to work with and fill and call my own. And not have to rely on anyone else. It'll be nice, and maybe I'll be responsible about it this time. Not that I wasn't, I just hate when this shit is rushed...and it is again. But such is life.

NOW OFF TO WATCH BIG BANG THEORY and other Monday night tv's. And possibly do laundry and shower.

Work. School. Apartments. I have so many things I can do like RIGHT now. I found a gorgeous bachelor apt which points out that I should be spending my money on furniture/apartment stuffs. Also that makes me want to just jump on it.

I was also talking to 2 friends about moving in together just after the new year. Sounds more fun and more promising.

ALSO! I need to definitely call U of T for their SDS program and figure out what I need to apply as a mature student and if I meet the qualifications.

I pulled my card

Page of Swords. Not to jump on things Creativity but to make sure to look at the possible negative consequences. I need to be a realist.

Cool stuff. Also. 30 Rock? Awesome show. I'm going back to watching that.

It's impossible it's possible. Singing tunes in my head. Again with the bands and the reminding me of people FUCK. HAHAHAH. So lots of things crossing my mind. The most recent other than the you know...constant want for sex >.> is actually memories of old friends.

What it's supposed to feel like to have a friend. Not discounting my wonderful wonderful friendships I have now. Not at all. I love you all and you're fantastic. But I miss not having to jump through hoops, not having to call and try and make plans. I miss living in the same town. I miss having my own place and them being over every day despite sometimes me wanting them to leave. Sam. Sam was my best friend for high school. She was pretty awesome. We were inseperable. We did everything together. I dated a jerk wad. She helped me move. She told off my Step Dad and got kicked off my property. She gave me clothes when my parents refused to give me my stuff. Even when I moved to a different town to live with him before we got our own apartment we hung out lots. ANd when I moved back to Brantford she practically lived in my house. Seriously. All the time. We went to conventions, she'd be over for 2 weeks at a time. Her parents were like my parents. I miss her. I miss our friendship. My ex thought it would be all fucking fine and dandy to write her a love letter. We stopped talking. We're slowly but surely reconnecting now. But we're 2 hours away. 2. It's hard. She also has new friends, is getting engaged, it'll never be the same.

Rosalie. I met Rosie at Sam's 16th "SUrprise" party. She was shy but we got along cause I didn't like many of sams other friends. They didn't like me. Tough news for them. Hahah. Rosie is still around. I'm the one who moved. Every day. When I lived in Brantford her and her ex and her baby sister Laine who is also one of my closest friends would come and visit. I lived next to a dairy queen. Then when I moved in with Dex we hung out like every day. I practically lived at their house for a while. Always watching Doctor Who and eating cookies and drinking. And whenever I go to Brantford it's the same thing. I love this girl. she's pretty cool news. She has a boyfriend now. They're probably going to move to Hamilton. It's closer but it's still...not the same

Laine has just changed since I got her back into Amtgard. I love her. But I worry about her. SHe's far away. She visits Toronto but not me. It sucks. Oh wells.

Vicky. Vicky was my twin. I met her at one of ROsie's bday parties. We hit it off. We were inseperable. Much like Sam and I were. There were several others like this Kiki and Christa but those were short lived. Like every day. Vicky at my house, us going out on adventures. WheN I got my new apartment she was over almost every day. It was cool. We had a falling out. She never told me why. She's visiting this weekend. It'll be interesting.

Sarah. I've known her for 21 years now. We dont' ahve the same friendship but I have a feeling we'll both be around to talk to whenever. We can NEVER mesh schedules. it SUCKSSSS. Also had a similar falling out with Katelyn, but thats just childishness on her part.

Now I have my friends who are closish to here. not the same.

But yeah originally! There was a point here. I'm going back to school. I know I always say it. And I'm so torn on where to go.

SO TORN.

1) Sexual Diversity Studies, Women & Gender Studies (Double Major) @ U of T
2) Modern Languages and Literatures @ Western
3) Advertising @ Mohawk
4) Musical Theatre @ Sheridan
5) Entrepreneurial Studies + The subject area of the type of shop I decide I want to open
6) Music + Education/Journalism/Broadcasting.

I'm not too sure but it seems like I'm pushing myself for the first one on the list. It'll be something I have to commit to though. School isn't cheap. I'm going to do a reading for myself on what I should possibly do. Maybe one card for each to see how emotionally attached I am.

But at the same time. I don't like that. I do feel the need for a reading. Maybe not a full reading. Maybe a single card.

I am going to contact U of T though and talk to them about how to go about applying for a double major for next fall.

I don't think I've ever been so excited to live in Toronto. A free art event. Downtown. People to go with me. It's going to be wonderful. I really wish my camera was WORKING. Arg. Maybe my dad can lend me his.

I want to go. I can't wait. I feel selfish for saying this but i want to go on my terms. No one ever wants to make decisions. But when I make plans or decisions they complain. I picked MORE THINGS than we cna possibly do in a night with their tastes in mind and was all if you want to do something and i havent listed it PLEASE TELL ME AND I'LL ADD IT.

I want to dress up. Take photos. Enjoy life.

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=158450381160&ref=mf

ALSO! ALSO! It's time to seriously catch up on my PVR now. I've been spending my evening trying to help several gypsies through several problems. I love you darlings, and I have faith in you. BIG KISSES

Not what I came here to talk about, but you wanna know what's a kind of sinking feeling? Being that girl, that girl that people have a genuine interest in one on one, either romantic or otherwise, but everyone around them has an issue with, and therefore make it difficult.

I want to applaud an old friend for being so genuine with me. And you know what? Everyone else in my life who is truly genuine. I don't want to say names because I know I'll forget some people but Roger, Devon, André, Brittany, Abi, Rosie, 'Laine, Dar, Tai, Kelsey, Dani. I mean there are several more but seriously you guys. I don't care if it's blunt honesty or just real friendship. It means a lot to me.

So today was go out on a limb and have fun day. Slept in. Have you ever slept in to the point where you want to cancel all your plans cause you're so tired. But thankfully Nicholas got off his butt and called me. ....and Alice texted me 12 times. Yeah, that'll wake you up. I went with Nicholas to the Ontario Science Centre today. Damn our honesty we could have gotten in for free. go past the ticket checker, no one there. It was fun, but they took out the best part. Oh wells, it's nice to get out of the house.

RUN! Catch the bus because of a red light. Do I ever hate sundays. What do we do? :o DINNER AND A MOVIE SOUNDS GOOD. We go to chapters, a lot of people I used to work with still there, slightly awkward since I up and vanished from work one day, but then wait for Dio and go to dinner. Nicholas tells me our waiters cute. I laugh and say he always says that. Take crayon, scribble arrow on table towards Nick. Write Fag in giant letters.

He responds with Hag. We have a good dynamic. Waiter comes back. Man he is cute. Like....MAN cute. I buy a drink. We wait. We order food. SENOR JACKS JALEPENO BURGER. Monteray Jack Jalepeno Cheese, Jalapeno Bacon, Jalapeno Zucchini Relish and Chili Hot Sauce. Oh..and ketch up and mustard for added effect. Om nom nom. Hotter than I'd expected. Delicious fattening garlic bread. Server on the ball. I get a gingerale. I finish it. He cons me into buying the other drink I was contemplating.

:o Man he's getting a good tip for 2 reasons. 1) HE DID A FABULOUS JOB. 2) He was definitely good looking. HAHAH. You can't tip people cause they're cute, but I did. Also his shirt made me lol it said "Laugh at my shirt or starve". Good tactic. Also we tease about me writing my number on the receipt.

They leave, I put on tip on table, and do the same for giggles. He won't call. I don't care, it was...fun. Off to the movies. OH LOOK since Dio took so long we missed our movie, next one doesn't start for 2 hours. Hey let's see Jennifer's Body. Can't be that bad.

WRONG. Diablo Cody, I am offended and disappointed at you wasting your talent. Oh and hollywood and loyal celebrity fanboys. MEGAN FOX IS NOT ATTRACTIVE.

Get over her. And she's a bit of a cunt too. I haven't read press from her that doesn't grind my gears.

It's weird, so not going to Brantford this weekend because of the bitch face at the VIA station I think was good for me. I really really want to connect with Adam again, but I think I need to wait for him to step forward. And if not, I'll try again next time I'm in town. But I have to stop pushing. I don't want to. I long for another hug. Just a hug nothing more. I can't have that connection and it all fall apart again, it's just reinforcing that I'll never have that back.

So now we're going to go on about me, everyone who read my post a while back has told me it's pretty, beautiful, wonderful, raw, well written, I should write stories. It's just how I feel. I thank you all for caring and understanding. I showed a side of me that I don't normally show. Not that I hide. I keep saying, I'm an open book, if you ask and it's not really out of your place to know, I'll tel you.

Just don't ask out of malintent please. I am capable of hurt. But I like you to see my true colours. Understand my bullshit. Maybe be able to deal with me. I'm still sorry for all the bad I've left behind in my life. A lot of people have touched me with such good and I took advantage, and not even on purpose.

Fray sends me random video of boy singing both girl and boy Aladdin parts. I lol.

Bad mood onset. I feel open and vulnerable. Someone close to me who WAS mentioned in passing in the journal message (not adam someone else) just read it. They are talking to me about it, not in a bad way. They are really happy I showed it to them, not cause they were mentioned, just the trust.

I'm getting scared again, I still don't know who to trust, I still feel distant. I still feel like I haven't found my place. Brittany wants a tarot reading when I see her next. Emma wants to go to Nuit Blanche with me.

I want. To Be. I want happiness, or at least calm.

Raaaaaa! So fucking random.
 

Alright. So I is following meme. No big surprise. Essentially if you see this it's time to screenshot your desktop and repost it here. NO CHANGING! And then possibly (not more than 5 sentences) explaining why it is your desktop.

AND GO!


Nerds. Rock Band. Television. Love. Fantastic.


Seriously, I don't need to describe it. I'm on a huge BBT kick, to the point where when I get dressed today I'm going to buy BOTH seasons from Starstruck. <3

It's odd, I got this sudden rush feeling like I've been living a life that's not my own. For the past 2 years. Like I put my life aside and tried something completely different. I'm connecting puzzle pieces one...by one. I love everyone I've met along the way, I've collected many gypsies as friends and intend to keep it that way. But I want to go back, I want...I want me back. I want my life back. Obviously including how i've grown and changed for the better. Rid myself of a, excuse my language, fuckton of bad habits.

It's like my mind is in both a very good and not so good place simultaneously. I know this is a good idea, I feel it, but the more happiness I put towards it, the more pennies I bank on it all failing, and crumbling. And being here...still here...empty...alone not knowing what to do.

I'm watching time go by and it's going by so slowly. I feel like I'm in the dark. I want to hear something, I want it not to be all on me. Same thing I said when I left everything behind was that I was sick of being the only one making the effort, so I stopped. And since I stopped. The effort stopped. There was never any pull from anyone else.

I have my ties that will always be there, the people who have been around no matter what. And I think that's what's helping me try and go back. I miss being able to walk across town to see Rosie. I miss living on my own. I miss waking up next to someone. I miss having people.

Everyone is so distant. Physically location wise, and it seems emotionally too. A lot of my connections are from friends who are hours away. Sometimes all I need is a hug. Yet still. I'm happy. Everything that's happened recently? Has been wonderful. This weekend? Will be wonderful. It will be even more wonderful if I hear from Adam and we can totally schedule another time to hang out and talk more. My cell phone is back, I left him a message and texted him my new number. That's what I'm leaving it at for now. I'm hopign I'll get a response. I don't like how I have to bank on the likelihood of it not happening and me having to try and contact him again in a week or so when I'm back in town again.

I don't want to press things. If I don't take a step towards trying though, it feels like no one will. Not just in that case, in any case. No I'm not being whiny and emo so stfu. :P It's late, I don't like the concept that I have to work tomorrow morning and then go to town. Without knowing. I don't like not knowing.

I want him to say something. I so very much do. I don't want it all to be me. I. I. I. I. Fuck why am I so selfish? >.<

Time for a dance break. I want to go upstairs and get my cards. I want to do my nighttime reading. I want to be responsible and go to bed on time so I can pack and not feel sick tomorrow.

Gotta love that save draft feature. Navigated off this page 3 fucking times now and had to retype this phrase. Thankfully it was just this one and not the entire thing. Angry grunt. I don't want to work tomorrow.

Great someone's struck a nerve. Ominous feelings are not good feelings. Swelling throat, sudden overwhelming bad feelings. Headache. Just....great. Not the best mood to do a reading in, but I need to do one before I go to bed. Not a full one. Just a single card.

Page of Cups. Again. There's part of this that I'm not following yet. Maybe the demonstrating loyalty, maybe the allowing bonds to strengthen. Or maybe there's the fact that I haven't nurtured this yet.

I feel calm. Haha. Not just from the reading. I'm also pretty stoked to go drinking with Rosie.

Oooooooh. Roxy Music. T.Rex. Glam rock. Beatles. So many love songs. How bizarre you are Ipod. You piece of apple demon technology that I swear reads minds.

Is it weird when little things remind you of someone? Like grocery shopping, I see certain things and I remember cooking, and also just going out at 2am to do groceries cause...we can and there's nothing to do.

Certain music. All memories. Good memories. I feel nervous. Haven't heard anything. It's all that's on my mind.

Time for my reading.

One card. All I want.

HEY LOOK NOTHING FALLS OUT. :) I flip a card, just one. BAM. Awkward feeling. I've been getting a LOT of swords recently. Like a lot a lot. This one quite an agressive one. But not in the scary way, in the strong way. Has very specific parts of it that speak to me. I'm still working through my changes that I need to utilize for a positive outcome.
 

QUEEN OF SWORDS
Athena: Greek



Meaning

focusing on career, analytical, intellectual, focused, agressive

Symbols

The owl is associated with wisom and knowledge. As an emblem of Athena, it helps to exemplify intelligence and wise decision-making. THe owl is also connected to nocturnal mysteries and dreams. From dreams we can analyze the intricacies of our being and learn to focus these inner energies in a productive manner. The spider web is part of the cosmos. Our participation in daily life contributes to the grander fabric of all living things. The feathers connote spirit and lightness; the tree roots ground us and keep us focused on our ambitions; and the braid is symbolic of psychic energy. The snake is a primordial force that reinvigorates the soul with its ability to shed its old life in preparation for new life stages. It is important to periodically cleanse the accumulated detritus of daily stresses. This can be done through dream analysis or meditation. The spirals emanate from intellectual drives. The spirals ans sword symbolize the ability to engage in the thinking function when approaching a new situation or challenge.

Description

Athena is a beloved goddess of the Greek pantheon. She is associated with wisdom, strength, warfare, the arts, and skill. She was a warrior goddess who sprang from her father Zeus's head in full armor. After Zeus swallowed his wife, Metis, to prevent the birth of a child that was deemed a threat in a prophecy, he sustained a terrific headache. With the assistance of Prometheus, his head was split open and out came Athena. Eventually she became a favourite child of Zeus's. So great was her presence that the "bright-eyed one" captivated the other Olympians and she earned a position as a councilor. In addition to her warrior-life persona, Athena was a patron of the arts.

Athena and Poseidon engaged in a contest to see who should preside over a city that they both felt fond of (Athens). She eventually prevailed after providing the fruitful and useful gift of the olive tree for the people to harvest. Her contribution was deemed more valuable than the salty water offered by the sea god.

Athena's symbolic animal, the owl, appeared on the city's currency as a reminder of Athena's influential power over the cultural institution.

By thinking about the divine strength and intelligence of Athena, we, too, can learn to apply good analytical thinking skills when making strategic career moves. It is important to think our decisions through carefully before presenting them to others. The more confident and focused we are about our ideas, the more receptive others will be to them.

 

I'm not too sure why I keep pulling such strong cards. They're all telling me I'm going in the right direction, but to slow down, but to go ahead and do it cause what I want is true and genuine. 

I'm actually feeling semi tired, not tired, but my brain...so exhausted. I want to hear from him so bad, but I'm afraid to hear from him at the same time. Is it wrong that I want him to say something first? To come to me? I don't want another one sided anything. Oh man would that suck, that's what keeps getting me stuck.

I have positive thoughts. Many a positive thought. I think it's time for my cards to protect someone else. Time to do a reading for a friend, then off to slumberland.